I need help… (examining self-talk)

I often find myself repeating words and phrases I heard growing up, without even realizing it. In many cases, these phrases are negative self-talk. I call these the “old tapes” I play. In this episode, I reflect on some recent challenges with negative self-talk and examples of implicit bias that are hidden in my lexicon, and some ways I can work to “re-record” those internal messages.

Note: I mention a book I read in my youth. Unfortunately, I cannot remember or find the name of the book.

Transcript

Navigating Negative Self-Talk and Harmful Language

Amjed 0:00

In this episode I share about negative self-talk and how the old tapes keep playing for me , even though I don't realize that I'm doing it and that you know . It's important for me to remember that I'm not perfect and it's okay for me to maybe not do things right , and doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with me . But I should also be paying attention to the words that are coming out of my mouth , especially if they're negative toward myself . Hi , this is Amjad , a simple , broken man living in a complex world . Join me as I navigate the dark and bright spots of life , sharing vulnerably and reflecting deeply along the way . May you find some benefit here . That is through me , not from me . I must warn you to enter at your own risk , for in this room my humanity is showing . Welcome , my fellow humans , to episode 41 of my humanity is showing and still trying out that new intro . Yeah , I'm not quite sure where to go with that I was thinking about the other day . I was like welcome , broken humanites . I was playing around with it a little bit sounded crazy , so I'll stop there . Welcome back Today . You know it's actually a topic I thought about a little while back and I've been avoiding to share on it , maybe , or saving it for a rainy day when I couldn't think of anything else . I'm not sure . I'm not exactly sure why I haven't shared on it , but it was just this thought like I was , I did , I did something and you know it's the usual something silly me that I did and I remember thinking to myself like I need help . You know , and from that context of you know , and I find myself saying weird stuff like that or , I guess , disrespectful stuff like that to myself all the time where I'll say like , ah , you know , you know , sometimes it's like , man , you need help , as in there's like something wrong with me that I need help , and so that's the , that's the phrase that came out of my mouth , and I remember just pausing and thinking why ? Why do I need help again ? What did I do wrong ? And or what's like , what's so wrong with me that I need help ? And what kind of help exactly are we talking about here ? So I thought this might make for an interesting episode to just talk about this a little bit , and there's a couple of different angles of this as well . So just , you know , pulling on that thread a little bit further .

Amjed 3:10

You know some other things like I'll , you know , say to myself along the same lines , but even more harsh , is , like man , I'm an idiot , or that was stupid . And you know , I just , actually I just did this a few minutes ago . A few minutes ago I it was , it's the day that we have to put the trash out . And so I took the trash bins and pulled them out of the garage and I went and put them out in front of the house and I came in and locked the door , set the alarm and then I'm about to come into the room and I realized that the kitchen trash is still sitting there in the kitchen and I had not taken it and put it into the bin and I just I kind of chuckled and you know , I laughed at it as like , oh , that's , that's funny . But at the same time the words that came out of my mouth were oh gosh , that was stupid .

Amjed 4:11

And it's this negative self-talk that's still there . And I'm , I guess I I should probably start with some gratitude , because the I'm grateful that it doesn't have the emotion attached to it that it used to have , because in the past I would have . That would have been like a real opportunity to shame myself and say , like it's , you know , like not only are you stupid , but then I would have gone into this depression and anger and I would have been so frustrated , like what is wrong with me , gosh , I need help . And you know , I would have just been angry about it and and it would have , there would have been a lot of toxicity and emotion associated with it , which I feel like . Fortunately , a lot of that is gone . So , for the most part although it does happen occasionally and I've shared about a couple examples of that in this podcast , but they're , you know , occasionally I've fallen to that negative Emotional state .

Amjed 5:08

But what I'm noticing lately , in the last couple of weeks , is that I still have that language . It's the , you know , I call it the old tapes and it applies in so many different ways , like , for example , you know , there's we're talking about negative self-talk and that , you know , for me , like I said , there's that that Negative language that's hardwired into my vocabulary , into my lexicon , that it just automatically comes out like and Without even with , like an autopilot , without even realizing that I'm doing it , that feeling that's that just those words just flow out . I've noticed that's true also of like other things you know like , for example , there's some Like cultural things that are no , that are not acceptable , that were harmful , hurtful things that people would say that I grew up hearing all the time and you know some of those things will , will just kind of flow out and I won't even realize that they've come out . It's until somebody points it out and says , oh , we don't really use that terminology anymore . It's like , oh , okay , I didn't . You know either , I didn't realize that we don't use that terminology Now , which happened to me the other day , like , for example and I'm scared to gosh , I'm like hesitant to actually use the words , but I think in their raw context there's nothing negative about them . So we'll , we'll venture out .

Amjed 6:52

But there's a term I learned about , and you know , when I was younger , in the history class with the native Americans , the indigenous people , that you know they , they would have these gatherings that they called powwows , and I haven't fact-checked that probably should do that while I'm talking to you now , but I Remember that from my childhood , remember that concept . But I also know that in the work setting , you know , we , you know like okay , so here it is . A powwow is a gathering with dances held by many Native American and First Nation communities . Powwows today allow indigenous people to socialize , dance , game , socialize , dance , sing and honor their cultures . It may be part private or public , indoors or outdoors .

Amjed 7:41

This is just from Wikipedia so I did a quick search but I guess there's a slang Definition . So right below it it says what does it mean in slang and says to have a quick meeting and so you know , just a quick gathering to say let's just get together real quick and have a quick , quick meeting . And we use the term at work huddle . We huddle a lot and we talk about huddles all the time . So the other day I was , you know , talking to a couple of co-workers and I said , oh , we should powwow on that . And they both looked at me and said we really Don't use that term in a work setting anymore .

Amjed 8:25

And you know , it's kind of disrespectful to the indigenous people . And I thought , oh , I did not , that one , I did not know . I said really , I did not know that was there and but it just like said just kind of flowed out and it was kind of weird because I said , oh , I've always thought of it as like I'm honoring Native American culture , indigenous culture , and you know , like that , literally , literally . I you don't have to believe me somebody listening to this at some point in the future might say , oh , that's a bunch of hogwash . You're , you know , you really are disrespectful , okay , but from the bottom of my heart I can honestly say that when I , whenever I would think of that term , I would think of it as a term of endearment toward that culture , that I'm in some way mimicking that culture and trying to , like you Know , honor that culture by by using their terminology . That's just how , where my brain went with it always . You know , I have a .

Amjed 9:29

When I was young , we read a book boy I'm , I Might be going off on a really weird tangent here , but we read a book called bury my heart at wounded knee and I want to say I cried for a couple of weeks . I mean , I went into a deep depression and and it's you know , I think it's a fictional account . I believe again , this another one of those is why I keep my phone close sometimes , because I'm you know , I want to do a quick search bury my heart , wounded knee . Let's see , it's a book . Okay , here it is . I'm just pulling it real quick just to see if it's like exactly what I remember , but I remember the story . It's a nonfiction book that covers the history of Native Americans , so maybe this is .

Amjed 10:19

Is this the book that I'm remembering ? Okay , maybe it is , maybe it isn't . Um , because I there might have been another book that was similar . That is not this one , but in any case , yeah , maybe it wasn't the berry in my heart and wounded knee , but I , because I remember the story about , I remember I thought it was a fictional account or a semi-fictional account of a particular character who was indigenous , was a Native American and was struggling to assimilate and did not want to become , you know , like follow the ways of white culture and kind of was living near a town and in the woods and like really kind of fighting that . And at the very end I want to say that this person I'll have to call my best friend from that time frame probably remembers the name , the actual name , of the book that I'm thinking of , because I don't , I'm not , I'm thinking this is not it , as I'm glancing over the review , I mean of the summary here .

Amjed 11:30

I think this was another book that I read , but I just remember , like my heart being torn out at , you know , the history of the Native American people and , like you know , the indigenous people that were here when the settlers came , and the shift in the culture and how . Like you know , in a lot of ways when we think about colonization , even it's just a I don't know I just find it very painful to hear about mistreatment of any culture . So , you know , if I use a term that is in any way indigenous and I knowingly use it , like I did , you know , the other day I have so much respect for that culture , like it just tremendous amount of . Yeah , I mean I'll kind of stop with it there because , like I said , I kind of went into a little bit of a tangent . But you know , I just have this like my heart really goes out to the indigenous people and I have some .

Amjed 12:38

You know , I was somewhat self-appointed but in my last role , my last job at work , as a cheerleader for that group at work , and I had the honor and the privilege to be involved in several activities and things supporting the honor and remembrance . So when we got to the holiday of , you know , celebrating indigenous people , which is coming up here in October , even though it's known as formally known , it's like the artist formerly known as Prince . It's formally known as Columbus Day , but to me that , you know , I feel like it's yeah , there is an opportunity to honor and respect the indigenous people and you know that should be every day , not just on a particular day . It's kind of like that's how I feel about Mother's Day . You know , it's a , it's a , it's a . You know it's not a particular day or Father's Day or yeah , we have a day and it's . It helps our consumer society , like generate a lot of revenue with greeting cards and different things . But you know , how can I possibly honor my mother or my father , or On just one day like that ? I just really struggle with that . You know , I think it's great to have a day to particularly Call out and say , okay , there's an opportunity to really focus in and hone in on the sacrifices that my mother made raising me , or you know , let's just talk about Mother's Day , but by no means in my mind do I think that that's enough that I can just honor my mom on one day out of the year . I mean , there's no way , there's no way . So , like I said , I know I went off on like a weird tangent , but coming back to this idea of negative self-talk . There's still some old tapes that play , like you know . I'll give you an example as much respect and love as I have for indigenous people , I Actually caught an old tape coming out of my mouth , stopped at mid-sentence .

Recognizing and Challenging Old Thought Patterns

Amjed 15:13

We were gathering for a meeting and and I said you know we better get started the and I use the term getting restless and . But I know I think I said the natives are gathering or something like that . Like I start , I said the natives are , and then I realized like wait a minute , I don't think this doesn't sound right , this doesn't feel right . And I stopped myself and I just said our gathering or something . And then someone called me right afterwards and said you know that that is a really disrespectful kind of term because of the history of it , or Statement . And I said , yeah , I realized , as it was mid coming out of my mouth . So the following weekend , an opportunity to really talk about that and and and one acknowledged that that was wrong .

Amjed 16:03

And you know I don't believe I don't hold any ill will toward any , any group , and you know , but these old tapes that I grew up listening to , you know , just like over and over it's like a listening to a song and , you know , all of a sudden start singing the lyrics and say , wow , I didn't even realize I remembered those lyrics . Sorry , you know , because it's been so many years since I heard that song . But here I am still , like I was in the store the other day and are this today ? I was in the store today and Also I'm singing and I'm like , why am I singing ? And I realized that , you know , there's a song playing over my head that I Still listen to a lot when I was younger , and it's just like autopilot , like here comes the song , and it's the same thing with these , with this , these old tapes , and so I , you know , another thing that happened around that time that just really , really highlighted this for me about the old tapes is , you know , I went to a .

Amjed 17:03

You know I was in a place where someone started asking me about some of my religious beliefs and I went into an explanation , like . I started Describing an explanation of , like responding to this question that they asked , and when I came out I Felt ill . I felt sick to my stomach because I realized that the whole explanation that I gave Was a completely old tape from 20 years ago , 20 plus years ago it's this old tape that I had this old answer to that question . And since then my understanding and perception of that topic has evolved and Like quite a bit and it changed and shifted . And you know , I don't have that Kind of weird slanted view that I used to have on that particular topic . And I say weird , I don't know , maybe , just maybe it's not , but I just don't have that same view Today I feel like I have a different viewpoint . That's a older , more experienced viewpoint , I guess . But that's not what came out when they , when I was asked the question this old tape it was like so like I just hit play on an old tape and responded to this question in a very old way and and didn't realize till afterwards . So since then I've been trying really hard that when someone asked me something that could potentially trigger an old tape , that I pause and really ask the question like okay , wait a minute , which tape are you putting in the tape player right now ? And then I guess I should I say tape . I should probably say like okay , for those of you who really have never owned any tapes cassette tapes or yeah , what's the other kind ? We used to have the eight track . I Growing up I grew up in the 80s so I had a tape player at a dual tape player , which was like the best thing ever .

Amjed 19:05

But I had a tape player and I would listen to the radio and I would make mixtapes . So I guess if you've seen Guardians of the Galaxy , you'd know what I'm talking about , because I was gonna say , like you know , like I'm playing the old mp3 . I'm just trying to translate this for for a younger audience I'm playing the old mp3 . But you know , I used to make mixtapes based on songs that were playing on the radio and I would hit record . Like the song would start and I'd hit record and I'd make these mixtapes and then I would use my two cassette dual cassette player to make a copy of the tape and then give it to my , give some to my friends . They're like oh , I hear some songs that I grabbed off the the radio and so , anyway , it's these old tapes . You know , I put these old tapes , these old mp3s , these old records , and it's just I play them back .

Amjed 19:58

So I pause and I say , okay , so I'm gonna ask me a question . It's about a topic that I've thought about , felt about whatever before . Let me pause and see is that's still how I feel about that , and I say all that . I'm gonna come back to the topic of negative self-help . I mean negative self-talk in that . You know , now I realize that I still use some of those , those negative self tapes on myself . Even though a lot of the emotion is gone , or most of the emotion is gone out of the sentence , the statements are still there , those negative statements like oh , I'm an idiot , oh that was dumb , or what's wrong with me , or I need help , and that . You know that's a good reminder for me to really watch , to watch for that and really pay attention to my language .

Amjed 20:59

I think the only way to replace an old tape is I have to record a new one . And it's like you know , recently when I had to re-record a podcast episode because the old one was corrupt , the file was corrupt the only way to replace it was I had to record a new one . So I had to sit down and and actually take the time to record a new one . And I guess that's where affirmations may come in handy . I've had friends that have really been encouraged me to do more affirmations and I don't think I do them enough Because , well , I'll say this , if I'm still using statements like that was dumb or that was stupid on myself , then that's , to me , is evidence that I don't do that enough , that I'm not taking time To re-record those messages to myself .

Amjed 21:45

So , you know , I think it starts with maybe really reflecting on asking people , reading up about and identifying what would be the alternative . So , okay , I put the trash out , but then I actually forgot to take the trash out . So I come back in I see the trash bag there . What's the ? What's a healthy ? You know , I'm sitting here I'm thinking I'm like , well , what is a healthy reaction to that ? Like I , I know I've sometimes I've said to myself like , oh , I'm so silly or that was silly . You know , maybe it's , maybe it's something more like guess what ? I'm a human being , I'm a human being . This is awesome . Look , I'm a human being and maybe that's . You know , I'm human , I'm a human , I'm beautifully and perfectly flawed . I'm a human . And maybe that's where I start like really practicing self-defense . I start like really practicing saying that .

Amjed 22:48

I was thinking about that the other day and I'll kind of . Before I switch gears to one other little quick topic , I wanted to hit on on this . But you know this idea , though , what was it I was giving ? I was getting ready for a presentation and I thought to myself , like what if there's a typo on the slides ? Like what if there's an error or a typo in the slides ? And I just kind of smiled and I said , you know what , I'm gonna adopt a new statement for that , instead of , oh , I'm so sorry that this is here , or I feel bad , or you know , please forgive this error , or whatever . That is that my old tapes , that I would play about that .

Amjed 23:31

Instead , I , I'm like been working on this new tape , which is I love it when there's a typo on my slides , because it reminds me that I'm a human . It reminds me that we're all human and , you know , no one got hurt . There was no injury or significant catastrophe that happened because there was a typo on my slide , but it's such a simple small thing . But it reminds me that I'm a human and that I have an opportunity to embrace the imperfection , to accept my own humanity . And , you know , just to know that , okay , I'm a human being and I'm gonna make mistakes , and that's okay , that's okay . And so , anyway , turns out there was an error on the slide , which it's like okay , yeah , that's exactly . But this was like I had thought , that thought before it actually happened , before that Event happened , but that was the kind of the new tape , and so , when it happened , part of me smiled and said , oh look , we're humans , I'm a human . There was a team of us that were involved and no one caught there and so , and you know not sure exactly how that got passed us all but yeah , there it was . But and so it's an opportunity to learn and grow and say , okay , what can we do differently in our process ? Like , how can we , you know , really look at this from a different perspective ?

Difficulty asking for help

Amjed 25:03

So , last thing I wanted to say here on the topic of needing help is you know , the other part of that is I . You know I was . I talk a lot about how , in 2007 , I finally got the help that I needed , that I truly needed the Actual help that I needed , because I did need help , you know , and and I still do I still need help . So there's not I Mean yes when I say I need help . From a negative , self-taught perspective , that's not helpful . Wow , what did I just do there ? But at the same time , you know , I do still need help . I'm not I'm imperfect , I'm still broken . I still have a lot of work . There's a lot of exciting work left to be done on me and you know I look forward to continuing to do that work . But the only way that I can do that is by asking for help . Continue to ask for help .

Amjed 26:09

And I said that I struggle with still to this day . I struggle in particularly , oh , you know , like at work I struggled to ask for help In in stores . I I really struggled to ask for help in stores . Like I will go around in circles for an hour and Be unable and I know there's this joke about how men can't ask for help but I will run around in the store for an hour Trying to find something rather than just ask someone Like excuse me , do you know where this is ? Can you help me to find this ? Like I will continue to look and look and look and I'll go online and I'll search .

Amjed 26:49

And I forgot what store I was in the other day and I was like why I can't find this thing ? And I checked like four different places and was the last place that I looked and I remember thinking to myself , like why don't they ? They don't have the actual location in their app . Some stores have that where you can look it up on the app and it'll tell you , like , go to aisle H 19 and you go over there and it you know it's on that aisle somewhere , but even then you may not be able to find it and then other stores will actually give you the bay , like the actual location . It is on that aisle , but overall , you know it's not all stores have that , but it's , and it's easier for me to do that than it is , because I still have this perception .

Amjed 27:29

Maybe it's an old tape . There's the old tape place that says you need to be independent , you need to be able to figure this out on your own . And if you can't figure it out and you have to stop and ask someone One , you're inconveniencing them , which I know is not true , but that's what my brain tells me and I usually buy it that you're inconveniencing them and you know and it's a sign that you couldn't figure it out . You couldn't figure it out . Therefore , you had to ask for help . Oh , yeah , so I do need help and it's a good reminder for me to continue to explore .

Amjed 28:10

Maybe , maybe that's another tape that I need to re-work on is the tape that says you know , before I even go into the store , like , what all , what are you gonna ask ? What all help are you gonna ask for today ? Or maybe at the beginning of the day at work , like , what help are you gonna ask for today ? Are you gonna ask for today ? So that you're not trying to do it all on your own , like , where is it that you can ask for help ? And I I tend to only do that when I'm absolutely stuck , like when I there's nothing I can do and I feel trapped and I've tried , exhausted every possibility . That's when I finally feel like , okay , now I need to . Now I for sure , uh , ask for help , so , um .

Random message of the day

Amjed 28:56

So with that , let's switch to the random message of the day , and I'll reach into my bucket here Looking through shuffling , shuffling . I like to make sure I get it mixed up really good . So I truly get a random one , because you never know what kind I'm gonna get . I dropped one on the floor . Okay , here we go .

Amjed 29:20

So this is an interesting one . It says tomorrow's action becomes no , sorry , I'm reading this wrong today's action becomes tomorrow's habit . Wow , that actually Believe it or not , I don't know . For me , that feels like it coincides with the topic today , that today's actions become tomorrow's habit , that you know , the more I do something it's going to build into a habit . Um , but then also like just words , like today's words become tomorrow's tape . The more I record that , the more I say that to myself , the more I say those sentences or think those thoughts , the more likely they are to crop up On autopilot at some later time . And so it's just really important for me to pay attention , pay attention to what's going on and and listen to uh , listen to my tapes and , and , if I need to rerecord them , to rerecord them . So , with that , thanks so much for listening and you know if you are finding benefit , I hope you come back and until next time , take care .