Can I choose gratitude? - Thanksgiving episode

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on gratitude. In this episode, I share my experiences with and without gratitude.

Transcript

Gratitude's Power in Daily Life

Amjed 0:00

I find it interesting that we've designated a day out of the year to give thanks in particular , and for me , gratitude and giving thanks is something that is a daily requirement . Or I may fall back into bad , into unhealthy mental health attitudes and behaviors . So in today's episode I share a little bit about what my life looks like with gratitude and what it looks like without gratitude , and I hope that there's some benefit in it for you . Hi , this is Amjad , a simple , beautifully broken man living in a complex world . Join me as I navigate the dark and bright spots of life , sharing vulnerably and reflecting deeply along the way . May you find some benefit here . That is through me , not from me . I must warn you to enter at your own risk , for in this room my humanity is showing . Welcome my fellow humans to episode 50 , 5-0 of my humanity is showing and today I'm kind of . I'm in an interesting mood . I guess that's a warning , warning , will Robinson . Yeah , so interesting mood today . I first of all , the weather this week has been really interesting , you know , kind of different . It was gray and cloudy for the most part . Colder weather is coming in and that typically triggers some nostalgia and sadness for me . I don't know , it's something about the change in the weather when the winter starts that gets me going on that kind of somber mood thing . So , just like I said , warning that way , it was also Thanksgiving week . This past week we had a celebrated Thanksgiving here in the US and it was a good opportunity to reflect on gratitude , although I tried to do that on a daily basis . So that would be , I guess that's I don't know it's a practice for me because I feel like gratitude is such an important part of my journey and it's such a healing experience for me when I focus on gratitude and I can think of gratitude , you know , in several different ways . You know I have a friend of mine who always says you know , I'm grateful for the sun , the moon , the stars , the sky and , you know , and other people you know , grateful for family or grateful for me . I tend to start with whatever is disturbing me . That's the point at which I start my gratitude . So I'll give you an example . This would well , I don't know if it's an example , but it's the day this light bulb went off for me and you know I'd been in kind of the recovery road from mental health stuff for a little bit , for a couple years and was starting to get see the silver lining and feel a little better and get some benefits of being and doing all that work . And the healing had begun .

Amjed 3:29

And around that time it was summertime and I live in Texas and in the summers we hit triple digit Fahrenheit , so we get it past 100 pretty quickly and then it's just all summer long . It's just scorching . Just walking from a building to a car , any , any party , my body , that the sun hits is just like reminds me of that scene from Chronicles of Riddick when they're on that fire , that planet , prison planet , and the sun is rising and it's just like setting everything on fire . Yeah , it just kind of reminds me of that . That's what it feels like . I think about that every single time . I feel like I want to splash a bunch of water myself and run to the car and then just watch the water just sizzle right off of me .

Amjed 4:19

So it was a hot , hot , hot summer and my kids had actually gone to go visit their grandparents . So they were gone and my wife and I were , you know , here in Texas and our air conditioner broke and if you've ever had that experience , it's pretty , pretty rough in the summers in Texas . I mean , it was so hot in the house at night that we had all the windows open like fans everywhere . And this was you know . I guess now , if I were to go back in time , I probably would just go buy a window unit , air conditioning unit and stick it in the bedroom window and at least try to survive that way , or rent a portable AC unit and have them come hook that up so at least I could manage for a few days .

Amjed 5:08

But we were trying to find a company to come out and fix the AC . And every company that came out was just quoting these crazy amounts and they wanted to basically replace the whole system . And you know , my dad was an engineer and said you don't need to replace the whole system , they just need to fix the one part , that , the part of it that's broken , which is about half of it , not the whole entire thing . And you know there are all these repair people that are coming out . They're saying well , you know , we have no guarantee that this other part's not gonna go bad too , so we might as well replace that as well . And anyway , we kept going back and forth . So day after day we were sending , you know , calling people over and sending them away , calling people over and sending them away . And it took a whole week for us to finally find somebody . It was like , oh yeah , I mean you just need to fix this and I'll take care of that for you . And he was a friend of a friend , so maybe that's why he was just pretty straightforward with us . And so we , you know , finally got the AC repaired .

Amjed 6:12

But during those days where it was , like I said , it was so hot , we had fans everywhere , windows open my wife and I were walking , we were walking around the house and could not come within three feet of each other because you could feel the body heat , you know , just like the breathing in the you know , cause it would just raise the temperature like one degree and you could feel it . And you're like , no , you stay on your side of the house because it was just so hot . And in that I had been going through this exercise of gratitude and I was trying to find gratitude in the fact that my AC was broken . And you know , just desperately seeking gratitude in that , and it's like , come on , you know , it's like I'm grateful my AC is broken and I'm melting to death , and but I was determined to get it , I guess .

Amjed 7:06

And in that I was given a gift , and the gift was this that I realized that I'm so incredibly fortunate to live in a house that has an air conditioner . You know and I'll just elaborate on that slightly , cause you know , first of all I just started thinking about that I was like , what would this be like if I didn't have an AC to begin with ? Well , one , I wouldn't be worried about it going , about it breaking because there wouldn't have been one there to start with . So there's no , there would have been no issue . I could have just been fine , like no AC before , no AC now . That's what it is , it's just the reality of the life that I live , and I wouldn't be in this miserable experience and pain of trying to deal with something that I'm not used to dealing with , and but it would be like that all year long . I would be freezing cold in the winters without a heater , I might be burning up in the summers , and it would just be that experience all the time and I'd have to find other ways to cope . But I'm fortunate and I was fortunate then and I'm fortunate now that I live in a house that has an air conditioner that I can modulate and control the temperature within the house and keep it within certain amount of degrees of what's comfortable for me , and that's a big gift . That's a big gift .

Amjed 8:40

And same thing started happening with my family . Like every time one of my children did something , or my spouse or it's like anything parents , in-laws I'd just stop and say I'm so grateful I'm married , cause if I wasn't married I wouldn't be frustrated about my wife or my in-laws right now , or even my kids , cause I wouldn't have any of those things . So I started thinking about all the blessings that I have and all the things that I have to be grateful for that . I'm experiencing this other emotion as a result of having these blessings , and it just for me , it just shifts the whole focus . It just shifts the focus and I could be really upset with someone and then , as the moment I start to realize the gratitude of having them as a friend or a family member , all that anger , all that frustration just melts away and it's like why am I upset ? What am I ? I mean , seriously , I'm mad about this peddly little thing when I should just be so grateful . This person is in my life and I mean , I don't know how else to describe that .

Amjed 9:56

It's just such an amazing experience for me to have that new lens on gratitude , and so I found that for me , that's where gratitude starts . It starts with I look at what are some things in my life right now that I'm complaining about or I'm tempted to complain about , and what would I have to give up from the many wonderful things in my life that would make this one frustration go away ? And as soon as I think that way , then it's like , oh , that you know I should be grateful for that . So I won't , I won't belabor that anymore , but with you know , thanksgiving , like I said , I try to practice this on a daily or at least weekly basis , on a recurring basis . Practice this practice of gratitude and getting into the gratitude and really feeling and experiencing that gratitude , so that I can I can right size my problems by putting the gratitude light on them , and it's like literally like shining a light on something .

The Power of Gratitude

Amjed 11:09

It reminds me of a couple of stories from my childhood . So when I was little , I remember one time it was right after my sister was born , so I was probably five and you know my , my gosh . I just barely remember this house because I was five years old , but I remember I had it in my room . I think my grandmother used to sleep with me sometimes , but then she went to go sleep with my newborn sister and so here I was for the first time , like in this room by myself , or I don't know if it's the first time , but it was this one time and I was having trouble sleeping and I looked across the room and there was a chair there and there was this . I just something . I saw something in the chair and I was like what , what is that ?

Amjed 12:00

And then I hit under the covers because I was just so scared . I mean , put yourself in the mind of a five year old right Hit under the covers . And then I kept peeking out . I would take these quick glances and it's pitch black in my room and barely any light . I'm peeking out and I started to make out the shape of a figure sitting in this chair , and that's why I'm sitting in this chair . I mean it just looked like this really scary person , slash , creature , whatever . It was just terrifying looking .

Amjed 12:31

And the more I kept catching these quick glances cause I was hiding under the covers , just shaking , terrified , and then I would pull the covers down , take a quick look and then go back under the covers again and I , slowly , I took the pillows and kind of built a little wall with the pillows underneath the comforter and I just kept these quick glances and every time I took a quick glance , the more dangerous and ominous this creature became , until it was like just this horrible , horrible thing and I managed to squeak out for help . I mean , I was just , I was trying not to cause it looked like the creature was sleeping and I was scared to wake it up . And so I was . You know , I I something . I think I knocked on the wall or I did something . Somehow I got someone's attention .

Amjed 13:21

I can't remember if it was my grandmother who came or my mom , but somebody came in the room and clicked on the lights and said what's going on , what happened ? And when they clicked on the lights I jumped out from behind the covers and I pointed at the chair and I was like I don't know what that thing is and I think it was my mom , cause I think she started laughing and she's like are you talking about the pile of clothes on this chair ? I could laugh at it out today , but at the age of five it wasn't funny , so you know . It's like there was a pile of clothes I guess she had done laundry earlier in the day and it was all over the bed and so , in order that I could sleep , she took it all off the bed and put it on the chair and it took on the shape of a being on this chair in the dark . But as soon as she clicked on the light , boom , it was just plain as day , obvious , that it was a pile of clothes and I was like , oh my gosh , like this whole time I was scared to death of this pile of clothes .

Amjed 14:21

Same thing with there was this I have a picture of it somewhere , but there was this tree that I could see across the street through my window that actually had the shape of Bigfoot , and when it was this huge tree and it looked like a giant monster , like trying to reach over and like hit something , and if I ever make it to video I'll see if I can dig up that picture and pull it up and maybe share that in one episode . But it was a scary looking tree . Even in the daylight it was a scary looking tree . I still , to this day , when I see that picture , I'm like , yeah , I still think it's a scary looking tree , but at night , through the window from my room , where I could see this thing across the street , I mean it was cause it was two , three times taller than the house . It was a big tree and it didn't have I don't know what kind of tree it was . It looked more like a cactus than a tree , but it just didn't really didn't have any leaves or many branches , it just looked like this giant figure . And again , in the daylight it was unsettling , but at nighttime it was just horrifying .

Amjed 15:32

And there's something about like , when you get the light on something and I guess that's what gratitude does for me it takes whatever problem that I'm having . That seems overwhelming or it seems horrible , and I get really worked up about it . I'm either really afraid of something or I'm angry about something , or I'm sad about something . Whatever that negative emotion is that I'm experiencing . And then , if I can apply gratitude , it's as if somebody just turned on the lights and all of a sudden there's a pile of clothes and it's like , oh , I was upset about the pile of clothes , which actually , in my case , what happens is , it's even better than that Cause what I thought was upsetting me I was afraid about angry at whatever . When I turn on that light of gratitude on it , it suddenly becomes the most wonderful thing that I have . It's like this wonderful thing in my life that I just forgot to appreciate and I'm just so grateful for it . I no longer have any negative emotion toward it , so that I don't know how . That reminded me of that story , but that was boy . That's an interesting kind of twist of events , like the I had , you know , I remembered the pile of clothes and then the tree thing . So on this topic of gratitude , you know , just thinking about , you know just add one more angle , I guess , is this idea that without gratitude so I'll just I'll kind of pull on that thread for a second Without gratitude , what happens to me . So I've described , you know , I kind of came at it from a different direction . I described what happens when I have gratitude in my life . It's like somebody turned on the lights , but without gratitude I go deeper and deeper into darkness . I go deeper into darkness and I , you know like , for example this is a real time example Earlier today I booked a hotel room for , you know , a stay that we're going on a family vacation for a couple of days , and so I spent hours looking for this hotel room

Choosing Gratitude Despite Setbacks

Amjed 17:41

.

Amjed 17:41

I finally found one that was , I thought , was gosh , this is a great price and I so I booked it . You know , I just I'm gonna book it and it was non-refundable or partially refundable . I think the most you could get is 50% back . So I booked the room . The minute I booked it , I thought , you know , I should have checked on the website of the actual hotel , because I got it through a third party app , and on the third party app this was the cheapest deal going around . But when I looked on the direct website of that hotel , I realized that I might've been able to save anywhere from $100 to $200 just by going directly to the hotel site , or there were some other sites that you know I could have booked it through . That might have been much cheaper .

Amjed 18:24

And I just felt like , for a second , like somebody punched me in the gut . Oh my gosh , oh my gosh , like I can't believe that just happened . I got swindled , I got suckered , I got . You know , this is not fair and that's like for me , that is the antithesis of gratitude , it's for me to say it's not fair , my life is not fair , the situation is not fair , people don't treat me fair . Whenever I get fixated on that fairness concept , it just kills gratitude , it just destroys it . It's like it's fights it , because how can I be grateful for something that I think is not fair ? And then , you know , I just chose the path of gratitude and said you know what ? It's okay , I paid a little extra , but I found a place and that thing is done .

Amjed 19:21

I spent several hours this morning and actually over the last several days , maybe a week , trying to find a place . I finally found one . It's done , I'm grateful I found a place , that I don't have to spend any more time searching for a place to stay on this trip that's coming up in a couple of weeks , cause it was getting closer and closer and I kept thinking , man , I've got to find a place for us to stay , or this is going to be an issue . And being able to check that off and say , okay , it's done , I've got it , I'm grateful for it , and that just really helped and I'm like I'm not going to think about it anymore . It's gone . That there . If I wanted to . I could cancel it but I would only get 50% of it back and that whatever I would have saved , I'm going to lose more than that . I'll lose like $2 , $300 just in the cancellation and then rebooking it through some other site .

Amjed 20:14

So at this point I have two choices . I can either be really pissed off at the situation and the way it worked out . I can be , I can shame myself for being so dumb and not thinking to check the website directly before , or not spending a little bit more time and being a little bit more patient and checking to see if there was a better price on that location . Or I could just enjoy the trip , just be grateful that we have a place , be grateful that we're going on vacation , be grateful for the time I'm going to get to spend with family and just enjoy the trip that you know , and be grateful for it , and that gratitude is the . You know , like that .

Amjed 21:00

I don't know if I'm explaining that clearly , but that and so the moment I did that , it was like this weight just got lifted again and I felt like , okay , it's fine , I'm good , I'm happy , I'm a happy guy . You know , it's a little bit of money gone , it's okay , it'll work out . It always does . And it reminds me of a conversation I was having yesterday about money , you know , because it was like this idea of you . Know well , sometimes you know I'll spend , you know people will trick me or they'll ask me for stuff and I'll end up spending more money or whatever . And you know , I guess I have this belief that every penny I earn has somebody's name written on it . Sometimes it's my own , sometimes it's one of my family members , sometimes it's a friend , sometimes it's a peer , stranger , but they , you know , it's like their name is written on that , that little penny .

Amjed 22:02

And I , you know , I don't want to , and I'm using that word very amusing , that my choosing my words very carefully , I don't want to get caught up in , but you know , just being upset I'm trying to find , like I said , trying to choose my words carefully , being upset about whose name was on the penny and thinking it should have been mine instead of that person's Cause , I don't know , I mean okay , so I spent a couple hundred extra dollars or whatever . A hundred , it might have been a hundred by the time everything worked out . I don't know that hundred dollars may end up on some employee's paycheck , who has , you know , some small children that need to be fed and clothed , or a family member with a health condition and some medical bills need to be paid . I don't know , or it could be a swindler , but regardless , you know it's like that money is now belongs to that person or persons and it's okay . I can let it go and I can move on with my life and I can choose the path , the gratitude cause .

Amjed 23:20

I'm grateful that you know that I had the money to spend to begin with , cause otherwise I wouldn't even have booked it and you know I might have to cut some corners somewhere else to make up for it . Okay , fine , I'll eat . Maybe I'll eat a little less ice cream for a couple of months , maybe I won't , I don't know . But you know , just not getting fixated on what the outcome is and just , you know , being thankful . Okay , that was an interesting thread , again , not necessarily what I was planning to share , but , you know , in light of Thanksgiving , I thought I just suddenly occurred to me I should probably talk about gratitude a little bit and was gifted with some memories to share there and some experiences . Okay , I'm going to stop with that and

Random message of the episode

Amjed 24:12

transition to the random message of the day .

Amjed 24:16

So , let's , I got my little bucket . I think I dropped one on the floor of Fortune Cookie messages and I will da , da , da , da da . I need like a drum . Oh , hold on Two of them stuck together . Okay , let's see what this one says . This is interesting . It kind of ties right into what I was just saying when things go wrong , don't go with them . Yeah , I , just like I said I had to laugh . I didn't even get past the first part . It says when things go wrong and I just I laughed because I was like I don't know what's coming after it , but I'm sure it's going to be related Don't go with them .

Amjed 24:58

And you know , I guess this goes back to the story earlier . You know it's it directly correlates for me in that . You know , here's the situation that I feel went wrong . Now I have a choice I can either take on a wrong attitude about it or an unhealthy . I guess you know I don't like the word wrong .

Amjed 25:19

I don't know , I just when things don't go my way , then I have a choice I can take on a healthy approach or an unhealthy approach , that's I prefer that over right and wrong . Right and wrong I get all confused because I don't know what's right and I don't know what's wrong . I'm not a judge of that . I'm not qualified to judge those kinds of things . I you know I think I've shared about this in previous message and previous episodes that thought process is toxic for me because I can really go down a dark spiral if I get caught up in the whole right and wrong discussion . So , you know , I try not to think about things in that because I'm not qualified to . You know , I'm not God , I don't , I'm not a God , I'm not the God . I'm not . You know , I'm just a guy who barely can , you know , muddle my way through life . So , but when things don't go my way , I have a choice . I can choose the path of negative attitude or positive attitude .

Amjed 26:20

And I think what I'm hearing in this thing is you know , if things don't go my way , I have a choice Don't go , don't also turn myself into something that's unhealthy or choose an unhealthy reaction to that situation . That's exactly what happened earlier . I could have done that , I could have gone in a spiral and I would have spent the next month just angry , angry about this injustice that had been done to me . You know , and it . Life's too short , I don't want to go down that road . So when things don't go the way I want them , I don't have to follow . I could just let it go , watch it slide down the hill , see where it lands . So yeah , that's .

Amjed 27:09

It's interesting that that was so directly correlated . I know that happens every so often when I'm doing these random messages that they're so closely correlated to the topic for the day . So with that I will wrap it up . I've had a couple of longer episodes , so I'll keep today's a little bit on the shorter side . Maybe , I don't know , it might be the same length . It's hard to tell . But yeah , thanks for listening .

Amjed 27:38

If you are one of those people who listens more frequently , I would love to hear from you at Amjad , at myhumanityisshowingcom , and it's spelled A-M-J-E-D in case you're wondering . But I wonder about this project , you know , because I still see single , maybe double digit downloads on the podcast and I wonder is it , is my message reaching anyone ? Is it helpful , is it not ? But I made a promise to myself that I would keep doing it . So I'm two episodes away from 52 , which would equal a full year's worth of episodes if I were to , if I had not missed some in the middle , and so I'm just gonna keep on chugging along .

Amjed 28:37

I am toying with the idea of doing a video podcast to go with this , so in other words , recording . I just can't figure out where to sit in my house when I'm recording them , so I may have to experiment with that a little bit and start recording the video along with the audio and maybe posting that on YouTube and see if that makes a difference . I still don't really everyone's gonna throw a link on Facebook , but other than that , I really don't do social media and I haven't really been advertising this through social media channels . But there's my alarm . So , yeah , we'll see how this all goes . But thanks for listening and for those of you who are getting some benefit , I'm grateful for that and I really do hope that it is not from me but through me that you're receiving that and that , if you are getting a benefit , that you keep coming back . Thanks and take care .